if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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