My friends, they love my intelligence
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
