I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
