Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
birth control should be required to get into college
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
