3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
