Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When did angry sex become our thing?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
