dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
