I feel like abortions should bother me more
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And then he peed in my hair
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