I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it glows. i had to have it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
