with your own penis?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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