this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
