you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
