Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
