I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
