This is not my ceiling
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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