i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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