After last night, I could never be a politician.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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