I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
