bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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