Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
