Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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