I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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