I can text with my tongue
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
