I have demons in me.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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