Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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