Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
