I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Randomize
