pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
