she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
