It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
