We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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