If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It was confusing and full of hummus
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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