just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's shark week go big or go home
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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