i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm like, not good at living.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
