I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
