I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
