i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
just found out that she named her cat after me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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