i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
