Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
