Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
