May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
