I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
