My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
