Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
