i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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