FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
