my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I forget how to act sober
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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