I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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