hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
