i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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