The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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