When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
