i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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