god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bring me that man meat
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
