i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
