Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
